my vag is so smooth its legendary
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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