You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
