It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
