please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
