why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
