My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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