hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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