Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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