She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
