dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
