ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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