my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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