Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
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Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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