mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
