stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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