well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
