between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
