I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
