I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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