They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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