Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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