I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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