So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
