There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
