It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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