and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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