Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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