I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
