I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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