I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
