Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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