Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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