who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
