Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
