We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
