i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
