I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
