if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize