Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
