I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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