I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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