you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
