Texts From Last Night

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  (855): View more from

  somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs

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  (855): somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs http://tfl.nu/4p1d
  Replies (6) Good night (1506) Bad night (554)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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  (513): Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs http://tfl.nu/gf82
  Replies (71) Good night (2360) Bad night (1022)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.

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  (248): My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while. http://tfl.nu/9oye
  Replies (8) Good night (3983) Bad night (720)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it

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  (781): im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it http://tfl.nu/9c7c
  Replies (14) Good night (4227) Bad night (827)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

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  (914): Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself http://tfl.nu/ot4u
  Replies (30) Good night (5344) Bad night (1349)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.

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  (410): Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad. http://tfl.nu/536n
  Replies (22) Good night (1233) Bad night (3751)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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  (215): I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk. http://tfl.nu/289e
  Replies (12) Good night (4796) Bad night (1144)
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.

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  (808): I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils. http://tfl.nu/b8ey
  Replies (10) Good night (1417) Bad night (3740)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

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  (908): I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator. http://tfl.nu/xdgs
  Replies (4) Good night (1227) Bad night (2725)
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  (415): View more from California

  sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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  (415): sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened. http://tfl.nu/mg5e
  Replies (21) Good night (5977) Bad night (1610)
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  (310): View more from California

  My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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  (310): My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope... http://tfl.nu/89fe
  Replies (11) Good night (3092) Bad night (1119)
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  (310): View more from California

  My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius

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  (310): My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius http://tfl.nu/fnfz
  Replies (7) Good night (1701) Bad night (574)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture

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  (920): bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture http://tfl.nu/2y39
  Replies (7) Good night (553) Bad night (1055)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.

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  (423): Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed. http://tfl.nu/j4hb
  Replies (1) Good night (353) Bad night (441)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.

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  (518): Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom. http://tfl.nu/16ki
  Replies (1) Good night (210) Bad night (602)

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