Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
