Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.