mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.