i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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