Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
