I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
