It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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