it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
