i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
