sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
