I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
