I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
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I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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