i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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