Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
