I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
