i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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You. Win. At. Life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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