I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
