Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize