You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
